The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning