The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
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Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead