The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
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Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal