The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
#SCOTUS one-star review
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
i- i did not expect this
I’ve had relationships like this
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay