Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”