The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Bro what is this
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
True?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?