The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm