The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.