The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
I want to meet the individual who made this
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.