The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I didn’t know they can drive…
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.