The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Look at this
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.