The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Bike is short for Bichael.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think