Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

This meeting could have been a cake

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.