The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
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[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
placebo pills? more like sike meds
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.