Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

not for long

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”