Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken