Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON