Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(grounding my kid) go outside.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

Sing it!

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.