Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”