The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot