The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it