Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.