Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

Look, a pure bread cat!

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.