The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
presenting your incognito window wrapped
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.