The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
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do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
