the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
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person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.