the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
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Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
You learn something every day
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
three things we don’t talk about
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.