The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
This week’s mood.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?