Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Spa day..😅

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!