the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
💻🤡
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
making sure he doesnt get away
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood