the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
You Might Also Like
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO