Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance