Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

british sex workers really pound for pound

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Pikachu found the lost joint

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.