Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
It’s a gift
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?