A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
The first week after you bury the bodies is always the most stressful.
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.
Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!