The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.