The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Mornin
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.