The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
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My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
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me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
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puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Got him!
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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Dentist: Please just floss more
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
#SCOTUS one-star review
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299