The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
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Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.