The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Tremendous stuff
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh