Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide