Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?