The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
You Might Also Like
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Customer is always right
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh