Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”