The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
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Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
