The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs