Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me