Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

my sentiments exactly

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.