ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.