Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.