Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😁

can’t catch a break

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

My biological clock is wheezing.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

being a writer on Twitter:

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine