Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.