Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Fluff me with a fork baby

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

That de-escalated quickly

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.