Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

grandparents are too precious for this world

serving silly goose instead of turkey

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.