The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body