@NicCageMatch

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

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@Parkerlawyer

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

@WhitneyCummings

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@WilliamRodgers

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

@jkstills

*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*

@Elizasoul80

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

@kelownagoose

My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.