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My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…

*takes call from mom*
*puts mom on speaker*
*cleans entire house*

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.

🐠

Not a headline I thought I’d ever read.