The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
You Might Also Like
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.