The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
see you in hell you stupid fruit
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?