The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure