The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
wtf is an acronym
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”