The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Monday
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
me when the borders lift
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Ummm
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Wasps: bees, but not helping
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*