The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip