The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
for all #parents out there
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
he looks great for his age
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?