The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
#Caturday
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
