The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house