Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

🙁

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.