the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out