the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Woke up with morning Yule Log
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The Struggle
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}