The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
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I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.