Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably