Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!