My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’