The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
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Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday