The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
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HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
