The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
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sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
