The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
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The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.