The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
You Might Also Like
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!