The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
A faux pas at a dinner welcoming alien visitors: an egg dish is served to the visitors, not knowing they’re oviparous.
“No offense was intended, I’m sure, but you have to understand: us eating eggs would be like…would be like you consuming another mammal.”
“…right.”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.