The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
one last job
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
“No way.” -Jose
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you