The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.