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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia